The Journal of Integrity

I don’t know how talking to the cubs (or should that be “pups”?) is meant to help them, but this sure looks like a lot of fun. While scanning the Wikipedia entry on sea lions I stumbled upon this link, which details how the US navy trains sea lions and dolphins to perform tasks that humans would find difficult:

Military officials said the mammals are used to help dive underwater and retrieve targets.

Some of the objects the animals retrieve can be expensive to replace and others can present a danger to Navy personnel or vessels.

About 75 dolphins and 25 sea lions are in the Navy’s marine mammal program. Both species can find mines and swimmers in murky waters.

Working in unison, the dolphins are trained to drop a flashing light by the target, while sea lions can attach a tether to it.

For the second time in as many months, budding Northern Irish theocrat and general uber-bitch Iris Robinson MP has descended to new levels of wanton ignorance with her pronunciation before a Northern Ireland Grand Committee that “There can be no viler act, apart from homosexuality and sodomy, than sexually abusing innocent children”.

Iris Robinson MP, in her human form above.

This would-be-laughable-if-she-wasn’t-an-elected-offical statement is apparently typical of the heterosexual life partner of the North’s First Minister Peter Robinson, who recently had these words of advice for a local homosexual man who had been assaulted because of his orientation:

“I have a very lovely psychiatrist who works with me in my offices and his Christian background is that he tries to help homosexuals – trying to turn away from what they are engaged in,”

Mrs. Robinson punctuated these particular shitstorms with her declaration that “It is the government’s responsibility to uphold God’s law” during a radio debate regarding abortion laws in the North.

There is a final metaphorical kick in the nads- Did I mention she happens to be the Chair of the Health Committee?

In any case, as all good liberal boys and girls know, Mrs. Robinson is entitled to spew whatever invective she likes in the name of free speech. Perhaps, if we are feeling generous, we might even applaud her honesty. After all, it does say in the Bible, that homosexuality is an abomination. At least Mrs. Robinson is being consistent.

Well…sort of…

“What I say I base on biblical pronouncements, based on God’s word. I am amazed that people are surprised when I quote from scriptures. It shows the churches either aren’t preaching God’s word or are watering it down,”

In the interests of the Biblical consistency Mrs. Robinson aspires to, I have taken the liberty of pointing out/paraphrasing a few other divine edicts which are also mandated in Leviticus, which, unlike Mrs. Robinson, is not simply obsessed with the notion of anal sex. Bear in mind, that the government is supposed to be upholding these laws, according to Iris.
[The following is derived from material found in The New Gay Book of Lists by Leigh W. Rutledge]

1: Dear Mrs. Robinson, please be careful never to use the Lord’s name in vain, or you’ll have to be put to death. (Lev. 24:16)

2: Make sure never to cook your husband a nice fry-up of sausages and rashers in the morning. It’s unclean you see, something to do with cloven feet and chewing the cud… (Lev. 11:7–8) [ If you look elsewhere you’ll find shellfish are also prohibited, so no prawn cocktail for lunch today either!]

3: Have you got any pets? They’ll be handy if you sin unwittingly, although you’ll have to be specific. Depending on what sin you commit you’ll be sacrificing anything from bulls to turtledoves. (Lev. 4:1–10)

4: Better get your husband to make sure none of those psychic hotlines are operating out of Northern Ireland. As you know from reading Leviticus, these people are to be put to death. (stoned, if we’re being specific) (Lev. 20:27)

5: If you’re finding this all a chore to follow, having to buy animals every day to atone for your various sins, creating a healthy and nutritious diet that avoids pork, shellfish, and blood pudding (Lev. 3:17) why not buy a slave to take some of the work off your hands? (Lev. 25:44–46) says it’s ok, so long as you buy from the nations around you. Or tourists, they’re fair game too.

6: I know it doesn’t apply to you, paragon of femininity that you are, but you might want to warn your clean-shaven husband that he’s violating the word of God. Lev. 19:27 clearly prohibits the trimming of the hair or beard.

7: While you’re busy upholding God’s law, don’t forget to make it illegal for disabled people to go to mass. (Lev. 21:18–23) Especially not the dwarfs.

8: Better tell the farmers, no breeding cattle of different kinds, no sowing two kinds of seed in the same field and for the love of all that’s good and holy, under no circumstances must you let a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee!!! (Lev. 19:19)

Perspective is a wonderful thing.

Ok, so it’s an anaconda and not a python. The scale is way off in the film anyhow. (I’m referring to The Jungle Book, btw, one of the few Disney films I like).

Reports have begun to flood into the journal of Integrity office of a regiment of heavily armoured dogs who are marching along the outskirts of Cork city. The dogs march in an eerie silence and have yet to make any demands but frightened locals have begun to riot in fear and panic. The mutts steely determination and obvious prowess has been a cause of major concern and all communications and transport with the rest of Ireland has ceased, as the central government decided Cork was mere hours from dog fueled destruction and instead have started to fortifiy the capital , including commendeering the garda helicopter and establishing an anti aircraft battery outside the gpo, least the dogs become airborn.

Alan Barkely, from Dudley in Birminghan, was holidaying in Cork when the silent canines closed ranks and advanced from a secret military installation. Stunned he asked
“how … is .. that armour? who made that? ” to the a lazy reporter who decided that his question would have to suffice as a dramatic quote from the ground, despite not being particulary informative or dramatic.

Rumours abound that the dog’s armour was inspired by the armoured bears of the northern lights trilogy, however, as to how a dog came to be able to read these books is a mystery, as dogs are not allowed into libraries or most good bookstores.

These newly dubbed, Panser hounds, will undoubadly be indestructable given the sheer mass of armour covering them, and i for one, welcome our armour clad canine masters.

A blog of devoted to things that look like ducks.

Very big indeed.

Enjoy your meat.

The Journal Of Integrity’s “original” feature film “The Thing That Ate The Economy!” was met with mixed reviews last night.

One cold-hearted press-monkey observed “Its just King Kong with a wad of cash photshopped in instead of Fay Ray”. He went on further to say “personally i liked King Kong but the story kind of loses something when you replace Fay Ray with a giant wad of cash.”

“Personally I loved the film. The anti-capitolist symbolism and the use of giant monkeys as an metaphor for the “New Depression” of 2008 was simply beautiful.”-Director Shane Ormond