The Journal of Integrity

I don’t know how talking to the cubs (or should that be “pups”?) is meant to help them, but this sure looks like a lot of fun. While scanning the Wikipedia entry on sea lions I stumbled upon this link, which details how the US navy trains sea lions and dolphins to perform tasks that humans would find difficult:

Military officials said the mammals are used to help dive underwater and retrieve targets.

Some of the objects the animals retrieve can be expensive to replace and others can present a danger to Navy personnel or vessels.

About 75 dolphins and 25 sea lions are in the Navy’s marine mammal program. Both species can find mines and swimmers in murky waters.

Working in unison, the dolphins are trained to drop a flashing light by the target, while sea lions can attach a tether to it.

For the second time in as many months, budding Northern Irish theocrat and general uber-bitch Iris Robinson MP has descended to new levels of wanton ignorance with her pronunciation before a Northern Ireland Grand Committee that “There can be no viler act, apart from homosexuality and sodomy, than sexually abusing innocent children”.

Iris Robinson MP, in her human form above.

This would-be-laughable-if-she-wasn’t-an-elected-offical statement is apparently typical of the heterosexual life partner of the North’s First Minister Peter Robinson, who recently had these words of advice for a local homosexual man who had been assaulted because of his orientation:

“I have a very lovely psychiatrist who works with me in my offices and his Christian background is that he tries to help homosexuals – trying to turn away from what they are engaged in,”

Mrs. Robinson punctuated these particular shitstorms with her declaration that “It is the government’s responsibility to uphold God’s law” during a radio debate regarding abortion laws in the North.

There is a final metaphorical kick in the nads- Did I mention she happens to be the Chair of the Health Committee?

In any case, as all good liberal boys and girls know, Mrs. Robinson is entitled to spew whatever invective she likes in the name of free speech. Perhaps, if we are feeling generous, we might even applaud her honesty. After all, it does say in the Bible, that homosexuality is an abomination. At least Mrs. Robinson is being consistent.

Well…sort of…

“What I say I base on biblical pronouncements, based on God’s word. I am amazed that people are surprised when I quote from scriptures. It shows the churches either aren’t preaching God’s word or are watering it down,”

In the interests of the Biblical consistency Mrs. Robinson aspires to, I have taken the liberty of pointing out/paraphrasing a few other divine edicts which are also mandated in Leviticus, which, unlike Mrs. Robinson, is not simply obsessed with the notion of anal sex. Bear in mind, that the government is supposed to be upholding these laws, according to Iris.
[The following is derived from material found in The New Gay Book of Lists by Leigh W. Rutledge]

1: Dear Mrs. Robinson, please be careful never to use the Lord’s name in vain, or you’ll have to be put to death. (Lev. 24:16)

2: Make sure never to cook your husband a nice fry-up of sausages and rashers in the morning. It’s unclean you see, something to do with cloven feet and chewing the cud… (Lev. 11:7–8) [ If you look elsewhere you’ll find shellfish are also prohibited, so no prawn cocktail for lunch today either!]

3: Have you got any pets? They’ll be handy if you sin unwittingly, although you’ll have to be specific. Depending on what sin you commit you’ll be sacrificing anything from bulls to turtledoves. (Lev. 4:1–10)

4: Better get your husband to make sure none of those psychic hotlines are operating out of Northern Ireland. As you know from reading Leviticus, these people are to be put to death. (stoned, if we’re being specific) (Lev. 20:27)

5: If you’re finding this all a chore to follow, having to buy animals every day to atone for your various sins, creating a healthy and nutritious diet that avoids pork, shellfish, and blood pudding (Lev. 3:17) why not buy a slave to take some of the work off your hands? (Lev. 25:44–46) says it’s ok, so long as you buy from the nations around you. Or tourists, they’re fair game too.

6: I know it doesn’t apply to you, paragon of femininity that you are, but you might want to warn your clean-shaven husband that he’s violating the word of God. Lev. 19:27 clearly prohibits the trimming of the hair or beard.

7: While you’re busy upholding God’s law, don’t forget to make it illegal for disabled people to go to mass. (Lev. 21:18–23) Especially not the dwarfs.

8: Better tell the farmers, no breeding cattle of different kinds, no sowing two kinds of seed in the same field and for the love of all that’s good and holy, under no circumstances must you let a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee!!! (Lev. 19:19)

Perspective is a wonderful thing.

He was great with the Murderdolls, and he’s still great with his eponymous band. I can’t understand why more people don’t like him. Sure, the whole goth thing isn’t for everyone, but his lyrics are generally quite funny and his bands churn out loads of genuinely good, catchy songs like this one, which is called ‘I Walked With A Zombie’.

http://view.break.com/538846 – Watch more free videos

But which one?

What a retard…

Who wants to leave Cork early on Tuesday morning (like 5 a.m. early) and accompany me on a mission of utmost importance to Galway? I’ll get a map so we won’t get lost. I’m resigned to doing this on my own if necessary, but I’d dearly welcome company. Don’t hesitate to reply if you’re interested.

Update: Okay, I’ve decided that I don’t really feel like driving that distance, especially with current petrol prices. Does anyone feel like taking the 5.15 train from Cork that arrives in Galway at 9.55, with a changeover in Portarlington along the way? If not I can just read a book.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m in dire need of help. As you all know the thing I talk about most revolves around how studly and macho and brilliant I am. The second most talked about topic of mine is rowing. This weekend, friday and saturday the 11th and 12th of july, I shall be competing in the National Rowing Championships and would really like your support.

The event is on in inniscarra dam (in farren woods). A small band of faithful allies to cheer us on to victory would be good. This event is the culmination of 10 months and hundreds of hours of training and is the reason why I see much of you less often then I would like. My race on saturday will probably be the most exciting and is on at about 4 o’clock in the afternoon which will be followed by a drinking session the likes of which has never been seen so please do come I would really appreciate the support.

tl;dr

Please come support me, 4pm, farren woods, boozing to follow.

A panellist on The View once said of a particulary dreadful book he had read, ‘it was the worst book I’ve ever read or tried to read. I hate her and I hate her book’. However he was paid money to read it. I on the other hand had to pay to see the Happening, the most appalling piece of tripe I have ever witnessed.

It is difficult to convey the enormity this movie’s fail. Epic, needless to say, but Epic in the same way that the universe is big or Cian is rich. Not epic like a poem. perhaps stupendous. Let’s try it on for size; The Happening: Stupendous Fail.

What was M Night Shyamalan thinking? (I’m not going to bother checking if that was spelt right because I loathe the man now). What, for that matter, was anyone who got involved in this film in the slightest way from the producer to the caterer thinking. Certainly if I had been a producer watching this turdid, boom-mike-filled abortion in the dailys room I would have withdrawn my money and used it to finance a smear campaign against it. If I had been the caterer I would have poisoned the cast.

To address the salient points of the film, the script, acting, direction and so forth, is too close to admitting that it is a film rather than an unpleasant collection of sound and images designed (I believe) to make people who watch it angry and nauseous. Suffice to say, everything about it from Shamalalan’s smug script to Wahlberg’s confused protagonist reeked of lazy, self-satisfying, unimaginitive crap.

Usually at this point in scathing reviews the reviewer says something good about the work. Trust me. There was nothing good about the work. Do not go see it. It was the plants. There. I’ve ruined the movie for you. Don’t waste your money. When it is released on DvD, steal (do not buy) it and throw it off a cliff.

I have witnessed a promising director commit wilfull career suicide and my two main regrets were

A that it was career suicide and

B that he made this film first.